Why I Changed My Name at Age 32

“Like the gemstone or like the burger?”

“With a C or with a K? With an I or with a Y? With an AL or with an LE?”

“Oh… you don’t look like a Krystal.”

“Wow, your full name is kind of hard to say.”

If I had a dollar every time I heard one of those responses upon giving my name, I’d have enough money to buy a private plane.

Dealing with that every time I share my name with someone – at the coffee shop, at local events, in a professional setting, or meeting friends-of-friends – frankly wears me down. Yes, those are minor annoyances, but most of all I dread giving out my name because it’s never felt like it belongs to me. Hearing “you don’t look like a Krystal” is the hardest of all, because, well, I don’t feel like a Krystal. And yet that’s what I continued to ask people to call me. After years of wondering why I still tell others to refer to me by a name I don’t identify with, I’m finally doing something about it:

I’m changing my name.

(Well, sort of).

From now on I’m assuming my middle name, Alyssa.

To everyone but Michael, this change is going to seem sudden. But in reality, I’ve always wished to be called by my middle name. As a kid I, was firmly told no, that my name is Krystal so that’s what I am to be called. But now – in a world that feels different, and in a city that still feels new to me – I couldn’t let this opportunity pass. I’m saddened by the fact that it took me so long to ask to be called as I wish, but I’m still so very proud of myself for conjuring up the courage to do so.

It shouldn’t be that unusual to choose to go by your middle name – it’s still a name given to you at birth, of course – and many people do (even my own dad). And of course, people change their names all the time when they get married. The process of changing one’s name legally is lengthy and in some places can be costly; I don’t see a need for that, and instead, I’m just asking to be known by my middle name.

It’s been an interesting journey so far, and one that will likely continue for a while, so I thought I’d share a little about my experience with this transition.

The toughest part was the thing I chose to tackle first: telling my parents. I don’t write about them often here, but for some context: my parents had me when they were quite young, and each chose a name for me. My mom chose my first name – Krystal with a K, to match her name that also begins with a K – and my dad picked my middle name, Alyssa. They separated when I was young, and while they always chose to behave amicably in front of me, I knew my name was always a point of contention (fun fact: if my dad had his way my name would be Jessica. It came as no surprise to anyone that my younger brother is named Jesse). I scheduled a phone call with my mom first and wrung my hands as I awaited the ringtone. I had a list of reasons and answers to questions at the ready, in case my nerves rendered me speechless. After some small talk, she asked what I wanted to discuss (I know she must have been nervous as well, trying to guess what in the world I wanted to talk to her about), and, well, I told her. Predictably, she was thrown off a bit. We talked for nearly an hour and I answered all of her questions as best as I could, but her response was overwhelmingly supportive. She admitted it would be tough to adjust, but she would try her best, which is all I really could have asked for. The following day I called and spoke with my dad, bolstered by the response I received from my mom. We don’t tend to discuss our feelings or deep issues, so it felt a bit awkward. But after a shorter conversation than the previous one, the result was the same. I felt like a large weight had been lifted already.

Next came telling extended family (with my parents’ guidance) and friends, in person and via phone. I’m so lucky to have found a great group of friends here in Charlotte, and it warmed my heart when they gushed with excitement and pulled out their phones to change my name in their contacts. I also used a recent trip to Florida as an opportunity to share my name change with as many people as possible, including my grandparents. I couldn’t quite get to everyone, but I feel like I got pretty far down my list. And, as with my parents, the response was positive; I returned home feeling even lighter.

Some people who still need to be notified are former colleagues and managers (although I’ve made it to a couple at least). As some are listed as references on my resume, it’s important to let them know that they might receive phone calls one day from someone asking about Alyssa so they don’t Mariah Carey me out of a job.

Because of that, I’m still in sort of a limbo, where some people still know me as Krystal and others have begun trying to call me Alyssa. My email signatures and social media still say Krystal and I plan on changing them in the next week or two, and of course, it’s all over the blog. I haven’t decided whether to go back and change my name in past posts or not, but I’m going to start working on switching it over in places that are always live now (edit: I’ve slowly been making the transition for consistency across the site). My IDs all list my full name and I’ve ordered my credit cards to be issued in my full name, which is helpful for one-off situations like ordering a coffee. I admit it still feels a little weird introducing myself as Alyssa; I’ve even slipped up here and there.

And you’re probably wondering how Michael is handling this (that’s like the ultimate test, right?). I truly couldn’t have asked for a better partner. We’ve been together for a long time (13 years and counting!) and other than helping me start this blog, this is probably the most unusual thing I’ve ever asked him to do. Like me, he slips up too, and I know he worries about hurting my feelings when it happens. But I’d never be mad about someone accidentally calling me by my first name rather than my preferred name – it’s hard to get used to something changing after 32 years. What would be incredibly upsetting is someone ignoring my requests and intentionally calling me a name I don’t want to be called, and thankfully that hasn’t been the case.

So, all of this to say: it’s nice to meet you, my name is Alyssa.

Are you happy with your given name? Have you considered going by a different one?